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Published on September 18th, 2012 | by Aaron Roberts

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Why Sonic Is Better Than Mario

It’s an age old battle and one which divides generations, ruins relationships and destroys friendship. I am of course referring the probably the longest standing battle in video games, who’s better? Sonic or Mario? The answer is Sonic, obviously. So I thought I’d take a little bit of time to explain exactly why the awesome blue hedgehog is the man, and why Mario… Meh.

The first thing you notice in this war is the appearance of both characters, Sonic is blue, looks cool and has spikes (Being a Hedgehog and that), whereas Mario looks like a little bit like Ron Jeremy, now Ron is a legend in his own right but dressed as a plumber nothing really screams ‘Hero’ now does it? Exactly, especially when you compare it to the uber dude looks of Mr. The Hedgehog, poor old Mario looks a forlorn figure in the hero stakes there.

The next thing to note is the stories of both characters, Sonic sets about saving an entire world from the clutches of evil Dr. Robotnik/Eggman whilst Mario seems infatuated with a Princess we all know he’s never going to get to make the beast with two backs with. So Mario looks like a lustful nerd, whereas Sonic proves to be a world saver, whilst releasing thousands of animals from captivity. He’s here to save the planet, Mario would rather try and tap some out of his league ass… And fail. Bobbedy boopy Mario, time to step up your game son.

Sonic also has the best theme music, no debate here. Green Hill Zone is iconic, nerds and layabouts enjoy Mario’s theme music. Sonic’s music could get played in a busy night club and people would dance the night away, in fact that’s the next song I’m requesting the next time I go out. Maybe see if I can Chemical Plant Zone on the go too, you’ve got that in your head now, enjoy it.

A major point too, and this is deadly serious. Mario condones the use of drugs, he implies that eating Mushrooms you can become a giant and that makes you better, sorry kids that’s not what drugs do. They take you down a path you don’t want to go down and one you will struggle to come back from, Sonic would never condone the use of drugs, which makes him more of a role model. Sonic is busy saving the world whilst Mario is high as a kite, which leads me to my next point… When does Mario actually do any plumbing???????? He is always too busy trying to get in the Princess’s pants I’ve not once actually seen him sort out someone’s sink or blockage problems. So is he avoiding tax by working on the sly? And the way he keeps stealing coins would suggest he hasn’t got much work, but at the same time thievery is unacceptable, that could be someone’s money and Mario is using it to buy drugs. Think about that, he’d rather do drugs than go to work, that’s no example to set for a young audience or in fact any audience now is it? Sonic meanwhile, is a Hedgehog so doesn’t need a job, however there he is saving the world time and again, going above and beyond for his friends and the rest of the population. A real example to follow, take heed kids, Sonic is a gentleman.

My next reason, Sonic wasn’t involved in the “Super” Mario Bros. Movie. No reasoning needed.

The next point is a gaming matter, nobody really goes back to play early Mario now do they? However millions  worldwide clamour to still play Sonic’s early entries, and his new ones too. Sonic Generations was warmly received by like, everyone. In your face Mario.

Another thing that has me very concerned, how old is the Princess? We’ve never been told her age, could Mario be up to something nefarious? Is she of age? Nobody has confirmed, I’ve reached out to Nintendo for clarification but as yet am yet to hear back…

Another note on the Princess, she can’t think much of Mario to not keep him around and then continually getting kidnapped, also, if I were Mario and the silly bitch kept getting into trouble and not increasing her security, I’d seriously question her motives. Maybe she wants to be kidnapped, maybe ‘kidnapped’ is all in Mario’s head and he can’t deal with the rejection so he is in fact the one kidnapping her. Who knows? Something fishy is up here.

I would also like to point out, how boring is Mario’s world? They all look the same, there’s no varying, epic landscapes in Mario like there are in Sonic now are there? Beautiful vista’s and bright colours or just another bloody empty castle? Jesus H Statham, I know which I’d rather look at.

So as you can see it’s pretty clear that Sonic is better than Mario for a wide variety of reasons, but most of all I think it’s worth pointing out that Sonic is a badass, he doesn’t die when a mushroom creature touches him, he gets shot at and all sorts. It’s also ironic that Sonic’s best game isn’t a completely different genre to that which he is famous for. So fanboys, I hope that this has cleared your mind and set you on the path to enlightenment. Sonic rules, Mario is a fool. If you disagree (and why would you?) then sound off in the comments, Nerd Array on Twitter or on the Nerd Array Facebook page.

You won’t argue though, because you know I’m right.

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Tags: Mario, Sonic

About the Author

Aaron Roberts International Rockstar, Adopted Londoner, Nerd. Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 2012.

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